How to find contentment

A gentleman came to see me who was extremely mad at his wife. “I hate to come home from work,” he said, “because I know that when I turn into the driveway, if my wife got there ahead of me, she will have her car parked smack in the middle of the carport. I have asked her time and time again to please either park her car to the left or the right of the carport, but no, she always parks in the middle! We have two cars, and there is room for both in that carport. But if she comes home ahead of me, her car is parked in the middle of the carport. She makes me so mad.”

Every night he has a decision to make. Either he will simply leave his car parked in the driveway, or he will back her car out of the carport, move it over, and drive his in. According to him, you see, his whole demeanor, peace of mind, and joy depends upon a choice that his wife initially makes.

Is this true?

This man believes he is at the mercy of his wife’s choices. He is unhappily aware of the fact that she knows what he wants, and won’t do it.

When you know that someone won’t do something that is important to you, you have some options. You can accept the person for who they are or you can resent that person, become bitter, and dwell on the fact that there is something this person isn’t doing that you want them to do, which can ruin your relationship.

A lady was telling me about her husband who knew how she expected him to dress. Time and again, when they went to a gathering where most of the men would wear ties, he would come prancing out of the house in a sport shirt. This upset her, but he always said, “Calm down honey, it’s alright.”

He was an extrovert, one of those hand-shaking, back-slapping, loud people. She was quiet and shy, and it always annoyed her when he acted that way. It got so she could hardly stand him. This man had many wonderful qualities, but he was loud, a back slapper, and insisted on wearing a sport shirt.

He realized that she was upset, and decided to do something nice for her. He said, “Honey, let’s go on a Caribbean cruise.”

A cruise ship out on the Caribbean Sea in the moonlight does sound great, doesn’t it? She liked the idea and figured the change in scenery would be good for their relationship. What kind of a situation could you possibly get into that would be more likely to bring the best out of you than being on a cruise ship in the Caribbean Sea in the moonlight?

The first night they were on board the cruise ship, he comes bursting out of the state room in a sport shirt! She thought he should have worn a tie, but he didn’t. They headed for the deck to socialize with some of the other passengers. Her husband was the same hand-shaking, back-slapping, loud, joking person he was at home.

She told me, “You, know, I discovered something about me that night. I was my same nasty self in the Caribbean as I was at home.” This was a startling discovery to her, that her inner life did not depend on her circumstances!

If you really want to be free, if you want to live a life of joy, you need to be aware of the other people in your life. Every person has an agreeable side. But everyone also has that other side, that part of their personality that is annoying. Often what divides us is that we are antagonistically aware of the annoyances of other people. And if we’re honest with ourselves, frequently the issues do not really amount to much.

Here is the key point: Your response to life is not determined by people and circumstances.

There is a key concept that can help us with this critical point. The apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 3:1, “I could not speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal.” This word from the King James version of the Bible is a significant word to understand: carnal. Carnality, Paul says includes “envy, strife, and divisions” (verse 3 of the same chapter). In other words, if there is envy of any kind, you are annoyed, disgruntled, and/or jealous over someone else’s success, opportunity, or wealth. Carnality includes strife, wrangling, scrapping, fighting, disagreeing, and unresolved issues.

Which are you: carnal or spiritual? Carnal–a life characterized by envy, arguing, quarreling, striving, and unresolved conflicts; or spiritual–a person filled with the spirit of God and a life filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control (as described in Galatians 5: 2-23)?

The people in the opening stories of this article are carnal. They may believe in Jesus Christ, but they have not allowed His Spirit to change them. They still want to have things their own way! In Ephesians 4:31-32, Paul tells us to “Let all bitterness, and wrath and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you.”

Isaiah 59:1-2 instructs us: “The Lord’s hand is not shortened that it cannot save; neither His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid His face from you, that He will not hear.”

There are times when people cry out to God and He doesn’t seem to hear, and sometimes it is because they are not approaching Him on His terms. What is it that separates you from God? You might have tried to contact Him and it seems like you can’t get in touch with Him. It is important for us to realize that we do not get in touch with God by telling Him about somebody else, but by telling Him about ourselves!

Isaiah 53:6 begins with, “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned everyone to his own way.”

This was the difficulty with the people in the stories above. The man said, “Park your car to the side.” His wife said, “I will park it where I please.” The lady said, “Please wear a tie.” Her husband said, “I won’t.”

You see how true the Bible is! What is this dilemma? What is it that divides people? All of us, like sheep, have gone astray. All of us. We have gone, everyone, where? Unto our own way. Isn’t this the sweetest music to anyone’s ears, “Let’s do it my way!”? This is the predicament: when we put two or more people together, it becomes a contest. I want my way versus your way.

The rest of the verse in Isaiah says, “And the Lord hath laid on Him, the iniquity of us all.”

What is the iniquity of us all? It is this strong drive in every person to have things their own way!

So the first step in experiencing true freedom is to come to grips with the fact that you have a tendency to go your own way. There is actually a great deal of hope in this, because you can admit to your own desire to want things your own way.

This is why you need a Savior. You need to be saved from yourself, to be saved from having to have your own way. You need Jesus Christ in your life. Jesus said, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me” (Revelation 3:20).

Why do you need to invite Jesus Christ to come into your life? So He can correct the tendency in you to have it your own way. Until this is corrected, any little thing you do not like about someone else can ruin your relationship. The preparation for being a free individual, free from other people’s choices, decisions, and actions, is to come to grips with this tendency in your life. How do you do this? By admitting that you want things your own way, inviting Jesus Christ to come into your life, and then asking God to forgive you and give you the power to be able to live freely. Then, and only then, will you be able to begin the journey to getting along well with others.

When you invite Jesus into your life, He gives you the ability to accept the people in your life for who they are. This includes their positive qualities as well as their weaknesses. Contentment is a quality God will give you and His contentment does not depend upon the perfect behavior of one of your friends, your spouse, or your children. True contentment comes from God.

The Truth about Consequences

We do our children a great favor if we help them understand there are consequences for their actions … good and bad.

Distraught parents often come to me because their children are suffering the consequences of not being adequately supervised. Of course, teenagers do not want to be supervised, but oftentimes dire consequences will be the result of parents adhering to their children’s complaints and demands for more personal freedom in areas where they are unable to cope with temptation. Setting consequences for a child’s choices and then making them happen is a crucial part of teaching children. They must learn the principles expressed in Galatians 6:7: “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.”

This was particularly evident when a set of parents came in with their pregnant daughter.

“I told her she was seeing too much of that boy,” wails the mother, “but she wouldn’t listen. She would say, ‘Mother, don’t you trust me?’ I wanted to trust her, and look what happened.”

What happened? The normal consequences of allowing a young couple too much unsupervised freedom is what happened.

“What can I do?” pleaded another mother. “For an hour or two a night my daughter and her boyfriend sit in his parked car out in front of our house. She tells me there is no reason for me to be concerned, and she refuses to come in.”

“’Why are you so suspicious, Mother?’ she says. ‘You don’t need to worry about us.’”

If you ask me, the parents should do something. There is a basis for concern. Her daughter surely is not reviewing Bible verses night after night for an hour or two out there. We all know what goes on in a parked car in the dark. How do you get the daughter out of the car?

One possibility comes to mind. If all else fails, you go outside, open the car door, reach in, and help her out of the car.

“Won’t that embarrass her?” Yes, it will. But this is a consequence of defying you.

“Won’t she be angry?” She will be furious. But that’s her problem, not yours.

“What if she does not come home and parks somewhere else?” Then do not allow her to go. You may also need to deal with the boy and/or his parents.

Give her the supervision she thinks she does not need! Remember, this is your beloved daughter. The excitement of physical closeness at her age is too tempting for her to handle. She needs your supervision and your help. The boy also needs your supervision and his parents’ help. Ignoring your parental responsibility at this time will be allowing behavior that your child knows is risky and degrading.

In their teenage years, your children need your guidance and help most. They may not appreciate it now, but they definitely will when they realize five years from now that their lives were not sidetracked by a mistake they would not have been able to undo. Always keep in mind that children lack wisdom and self-control, so when parents leave them unsupervised, the children will be prone to make foolish choices.

Life will always bring some tough breaks and some good ones. Either way, we must make the most out of the consequences. Our job as parents is to point our children in the right direction. To do that, we need to plan consequences that will help them along the way. Some people call them rewards … or punishment. The consequences we give them today will prepare them to make the right choices that will lead to the right consequences tomorrow. Everyone makes choices and either enjoys or suffers the consequences of those choices.

Lecturing our children about consequences they cannot understand is futile, but we can teach them about cause and effect on their own levels by associating short-term consequences with acceptable or unacceptable behaviors. For example, the child may be told: If you do not study, you cannot go out to play. Or, if you practice hard enough, you will have a much better chance at making the team. Whenever it is possible, have the consequences be directly related to your child’s actions. If you allow your teen to use the car, and he brings it back in good shape and on time, you can be lavish with your praise. If the car is a mess when you get it back, your child may have to wash and vacuum out the car. If he comes home late, use of the car may be suspended for however long you deem is necessary. This will teach him that his choices have consequences that are directly related to his behavior.

Proverbs 29:17 says, “Correct your son, and he will give you rest; yes, he will give delight to your soul.”

At times, parenting may feel like a mystery. Solving this mystery lies in responding to resistance, giving help, respecting each other, supervising activities, and setting and enforcing limits. You must have a plan and then throw all you have into following that plan … making sure the consequences for the child’s behavior are in place.

I once knew a couple that was having a real problem with their 13-year-old son. He was flunking in school, fighting with his teachers, sassing his parents, and fighting with kids in the neighborhood.

His parents tried everything. First, they ignored him. Then they praised him. Then they rewarded him. Then they reasoned with him, lectured him, and withheld privileges. Then they took his bike away, made him stay in the house, and eventually even spanked him (a 13-year-old!).

Nothing seemed to work. The parents kept after the boy–while they constantly showed real love and concern for the boy himself. They also prayed for patience and grace. This went on for six months and nothing seemed to change. Then, just as mysteriously as the behavior had begun, the boy began to change for the better.

In the past, the boy had been condemned and corrected by teachers, neighbors, and Sunday school teachers. Two years later, the same boy was a top student, on the soccer team, and praised and admired by his teachers, coaches, classmates, and neighbors.

This is a perfect picture of a dedicated, committed set of parents seeking to train a child in the way he should go. They realized it was 20-year process. Their concern was the process, not the immediate decisions and appearances of the moment. They had to relax, trust God, and act by faith.

Often when parents talk about their children who are in trouble, I ask them what they think they should have done differently. In nearly every case, if the parents had done what they thought they should have done, they would have done what I would have recommended.

Many parents do not have confidence in their own abilities. Rather than being paralyzed by fear and insecurity, they need to look to God’s Word as the sources and inspiration for their parenting. Then they need to trust their own instincts as they proceed with confident expectation of good results.

Remember, the primary goal is to train the children up in the way they should go. You have 20 years to mellow and mature. Pray that you will live your life in such a way that your children will grow up wanting to serve the GOD you serve. Parenthood requires an acceptance of the task, the desire to understand it, and the willingness to be as diligent in preparation and performance as the most accomplished artist, business person, or professional person.

Conflicts and problems will arise, but these can lead you to ever-higher levels of accomplishment as God demonstrates His power through the adversity. To identify problems and solve them is to find success. To cover them up or pretend they are not there is to experience defeat. Each parent must be ready and willing to fulfill his or her responsibility in any decision or task.

Guiding children implies a purpose and a goal. You need to know where you are going. You need to assume responsibility for influencing your children. Your influence for good, or for ill, will probably have more effect on the lives of your children than anything else they will encounter. You must work hard to make learning wholesome and effective for your children.

When you center your life and your household in God, you can have fun together as a family as your children grow up in the Lord Jesus Christ. Cherish your children and help them grow to be all God created them to be!

How to raise Godly Children

Children are a precious gift from God, and yet too often they find themselves in an environment of neglect, or even abuse within their own homes.  As they learn and grow, they are constantly bombarded with worldly influences that conflict with God’s Word.  The strongest influence on our children can be our own character.  Modeling godly behavior and a love for the Lord are vital while providing direction, boundaries, correction, love and encouragement to our children.

Parents with PowerModeling Behavior for Children
Honoring Parents
(read more)
I’m Not Having Fun Yet!
Discipline with Love and Conviction
Setting Limits
The Truth about Consequences

The articles below will help teach you how to raise godly children.  (Note:  Each article will open in a new browser window.  To return to this page after reading it, simply close the new window.)

Ever wish you could make someone do the right thing? Parents often watch their children make bad decisions and feel powerless to do anything about it. Unfortunately, many just give in and put a “band-aid” on a situation by giving money instead of time, ignoring a situation instead of disciplining, or trying to be their child’s friend instead of their parent. The best way to love your child is to care enough to correct them when they need it. (read more)

How seriously do you take the Bible? If you read something about parent-child relations in the Bible that contradicts something you read in another book, which teaching do you accept as truth? (read more)

Do you and your partner agree on how to raise your children? If not, you may think you are experiencing a marriage problem because you can’t get together on this important issue. This can feel like a pretty hopeless situation. Often times your children have learned how to pit you against one another. By the time they get into their teens, those kids will be able to do what they please, because they will have learned how to manage you instead of you managing them.

Someone once said to me, “Don’t make parenting so difficult. Just relax and have fun! You don’t have to know everything in order to be a good parent.”

Being a parent starts out as a dream. Doting, expectant fathers and their pregnant wives dream about the sweet infant all cozy in pink or blue blankets with cute outfits and fun toys. With smiles in their eyes, they turn to each other and vow, “We’re going to be the best parents ever!”

Then the baby arrives. Suddenly the parents discover “the dream” yells. And smells. And spits. All at 3 a.m. (read more)

God’s Word instructs us to love one another (1 Peter 1:22). Nearly every parent wants to give his or her children tender, loving, and sacrificial care that flows out of a heart of love; but even the most dedicated mother or father cannot do this unless God is the source of that love. This is because God is love, and as we walk in His love, it will flow to our children through us.

God does not leave us without guidance. In fact, the biblical standard for love is described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. It has fifteen components: suffers long, is kind, does not envy, does not parade itself, is not puffed up, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth, always bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.(read more)

In all athletic team competitions, the home and visiting teams and their corresponding fans all go by the same rules and boundaries. The rules are published in a book and knowledge of the rules is essential to understanding and playing the game. Making sure the players stay within the limits established by the rule book is the job of the officials. If a player breaks a rule, the referee penalizes the entire team. The player and his team must accept the consequences. The referee’s interpretation of the game is final.

The phrase football game tells us many things. The very name of the game determines the shape of the ball, the dimensions of the playing field, the rules of the game, and the type of clothes the players and officials wear.

The word family also tells us many things. Determined limits make a family unique. (read more)

We do our children a great favor if we help them understand there are consequences for their actions … good and bad.

Distraught parents often come to me because their children are suffering the consequences of not being adequately supervised. Of course, teenagers do not want to be supervised, but oftentimes dire consequences will be the result of parents adhering to their children’s complaints and demands for more personal freedom in areas where they are unable to cope with temptation. Setting consequences for a child’s choices and then making them happen is a crucial part of teaching children. They must learn the principles expressed in Galatians 6:7: “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.” (read more)

Congratulations!  If you have read through all of the sections of Heart Change, Personal Transformation and Healthy Relationships, you have now completed the Personal Life Change section of the Living God’s Way series.  Click here to proceed on to the Godly Leadership section, starting with “Lead by Biblical Principles.”