Breaking up is hard to do, but divorce? That takes the cake. All kinds of things can lead to a split, from the token celebrity-cited “irreconcilable differences” to a messy affair, or the loss of anything remotely close to the spark you felt in the good old days.
And often, the reason you cross the line from forever to never again traces back to your dating days. “Sometimes people want a divorce for the same reason they might have had doubts of going into the relationship,” Elizabeth Cohen, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York says. “It’s usually the things that bothered you before, they just compounded over so long that you know it’s not going to change.”
Of course, you presumably wanted to be together (at least at some point) if you got married. But it’s hard as hell for people to change in the ways you may need them to in order to maintain a healthy marriage where both of you can ~thrive~. That’s why getting a divorce can feel like a slow burn. “It’s likely the decision comes after years and years of contemplating and trying to make the marriage work,” says Erin Levine, family law attorney and founder of Hello Divorce, a legal assistance platform.
While the reasons for a divorce are unique to the relationship, here are the issues that a divorce lawyer and psychologist say pop up most often:
A. Communication Problems
The crux of any relationship is communication, Cohen says. Sure, you typically hear reasons for divorce like money disagreements, commitment issues and the other things in this list, but Levine reminds us that these problems are also rooted in a breakdown of communication.
If you can’t talk your ish out in a way both partners understand, all that’s left is an unproductive argument and growing resentment. “Your behavior might not match what your partner needs,” Cohen says. That’s why divorce often waits at the bottom of that slippery slope.
B. Falling Out Of Love
According to a study in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, nearly half of recently divorced respondents cited a lack of love or intimacy as the reason for their separation. Instead of one big betrayal, sometimes just growing apart and losing your romantic feelings can end a marriage. “There’s this overarching feeling of distance that happens over time,” Cohen says.
C. There’s No Intimacy
Along with the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” realization, a dormant bedroom life is also a factor for divorce. There’s nothing shameful about a dry spell, but a lack of physical affection—sexy times and long bear hugs included—can cause serious disconnect. “People start telling themselves like, ‘Okay, well the lack of intimacy, I can handle that.’ But ultimately it just becomes too much for them” Levine says.
D. Domestic Abuse
Abuse, from physical harm to emotional manipulation like a partner withdrawing affection as punishment, leaves people feeling powerless. Separating from the abusive partner—in a safe and supported way—is the best way to regain your safety. Abuse differs from other causes for divorce in that “it’s not a relationship issue, but something that is within your partner," Orbuch says. In the same NCBI study, around a quarter of respondents said domestic violence led to their divorce.
E. Cheating
Without trust, what’s left? An affair can feel like the ultimate betrayal and sign that healthy communication skidded to a halt a long time ago. While Cohen notes that it can be possible to move past the infidelity together, it’s a toughie. Most of the time? It’s the moment that causes a partner to officially dip out.
Source: https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a32019433/reasons-for-divorce/
