How to be consistent in mariage

Marilyn and Charles had been having trouble for several years. The trouble was not fights or noisy arguments, but playing cat-and-mouse over Marilyn’s changing moods.

The couple would plan to go to a Sunday school class party or a family gathering, but Marilyn would beg off at the last minute. She just wasn’t up to socializing. Charles would feel sorry for her, change the evening’s plans and stay home. After several weeks of staying home, he would become blue. Then she would feel guilty for causing him to give up his social life and she would start going out. But he knew she was doing it just for him, so he would feel guilty and stay home more. It was a vicious circle, actually a battle of wills, his versus hers.

At her first appointment, nothing in the world seemed good to Marilyn. I remarked that she was a miserable woman.

“Oh, I’m a Christian,” she replied. “And I’ve got a nice husband, a good home, and a fine church. I suppose I should be happy.”

“No,” I assured her. “It’s your choice to be miserable in spite of all the good things in your life.”

Over a three-month period, Marilyn slowly disclosed how she was gradually withdrawing from life. The home she was raised in had been one of constant distress; she always seemed to be in the middle of combative parents. She learned it was easier to duck than to take the chance of getting hurt. This protective attitude had carried over into her married life. Now it was simpler to stay home rather than risk being hurt.

One day, Marilyn decided to stop ducking. She said she was going to ask God for help to accept her husband’s social life.

For three months, she was a happy Christian. Then she came back, depressed again.

I helped her see that she was depressed because she changed her mind about wanting to venture out. Again, she cast her burden on the Lord and went away rejoicing. But after awhile she returned, defeated as before.

Her moods continually alternate. She knows how to turn her troubles over to the Lord, and she has proved that it works. But I am afraid that she hasn’t yet taken to heart Jesus’ words in John 15:4, “Abide in me.” Hers is not a daily walk with the Lord. Alternately she casts her burdens on the Lord and takes them upon herself. She empties them out and then slowly collects them again.

To “abide” is to enjoy Christ’s victory over self. We must consistently depend on God in order to consistently experience Him. He can and will live in us if we allow His Spirit to work in us.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

How to set marriage boundaries

You probably got married as friends, but then found yourselves running into difficulty because you each had your own way of living and doing. You came from one family, and your partner came from another family, and those families were different.
Take a few minutes to think about your marriage relationship: Why did you initially marry your spouse? What qualities does your marriage partner possess that you appreciate? In what ways do you want your “own way” in the relationship? Ask God to change your heart toward your spouse in whichever way you most need it – be open to His leading.

Being married is hard work! When you got married you probably said something that resembled the traditional marriage vows:  “I will love you, and comfort you, and keep you in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, keep unto you as long as we both shall live. And I take you for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health; to love and cherish you until death do us part.” But, did you really realize what you were getting into?

Your job as a couple is to create some boundaries and rules that will guide you in your marriage. But if you’ve never created any rules before, and you or your partner don’t like rules and boundaries, it won’t be an easy task.

One of the reasons this process is so difficult is outlined very clearly for us in Isaiah 53:6: “We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us have turned to his own way.”We’re all human, wanting to do it our “own way.” But the reality is one can’t have it their way and make mutually agreeable rules and guidelines. If your attitude is “my way is more important to me than the marriage,” you won’t be able to function as a married couple.

The good news is that your marriage doesn’t need to be a failure. If you find you have the problem of self-centeredness, talk to God about it, He can change your heart. Ezekiel 36:26 tells us, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you.” There’s hope my friend, and it’s in God!

Take a step . . .

This is a summary from Dr. Brandt’s message Marriage.