We do
our children a great favor if we help them understand there are consequences
for their actions … good and bad.
Distraught
parents often come to me because their children are suffering the consequences
of not being adequately supervised. Of course, teenagers do not want to be
supervised, but oftentimes dire consequences will be the result of parents
adhering to their children’s complaints and demands for more personal freedom
in areas where they are unable to cope with temptation. Setting consequences
for a child’s choices and then making them happen is a crucial part of teaching
children. They must learn the principles expressed in Galatians 6:7: “Do
not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also
reap.”
This
was particularly evident when a set of parents came in with their pregnant
daughter.
“I told
her she was seeing too much of that boy,” wails the mother, “but she wouldn’t
listen. She would say, ‘Mother, don’t you trust me?’ I wanted to trust her, and
look what happened.”
What
happened? The normal consequences of allowing a young couple too much
unsupervised freedom is what happened.
“What
can I do?” pleaded another mother. “For an hour or two a night my daughter and
her boyfriend sit in his parked car out in front of our house. She tells me
there is no reason for me to be concerned, and she refuses to come in.”
“’Why
are you so suspicious, Mother?’ she says. ‘You don’t need to worry about us.’”
If you
ask me, the parents should do something. There is a basis for concern. Her
daughter surely is not reviewing Bible verses night after night for an hour or
two out there. We all know what goes on in a parked car in the dark. How do you
get the daughter out of the car?
One
possibility comes to mind. If all else fails, you go outside, open the car
door, reach in, and help her out of the car.
“Won’t
that embarrass her?” Yes, it will. But this is a consequence of defying you.
“Won’t
she be angry?” She will be furious. But that’s her problem, not yours.
“What
if she does not come home and parks somewhere else?” Then do not allow her to
go. You may also need to deal with the boy and/or his parents.
Give
her the supervision she thinks she does not need! Remember, this is your
beloved daughter. The excitement of physical closeness at her age is too
tempting for her to handle. She needs your supervision and your help. The boy
also needs your supervision and his parents’ help. Ignoring your parental
responsibility at this time will be allowing behavior that your child knows is
risky and degrading.
In
their teenage years, your children need your guidance and help most. They may
not appreciate it now, but they definitely will when they realize five years
from now that their lives were not sidetracked by a mistake they would not have
been able to undo. Always keep in mind that children lack wisdom and
self-control, so when parents leave them unsupervised, the children will be
prone to make foolish choices.
Life
will always bring some tough breaks and some good ones. Either way, we must
make the most out of the consequences. Our job as parents is to point our
children in the right direction. To do that, we need to plan consequences that will
help them along the way. Some people call them rewards … or punishment. The
consequences we give them today will prepare them to make the right choices
that will lead to the right consequences tomorrow. Everyone makes choices and
either enjoys or suffers the consequences of those choices.
Lecturing
our children about consequences they cannot understand is futile, but we can
teach them about cause and effect on their own levels by associating short-term
consequences with acceptable or unacceptable behaviors. For example, the child
may be told: If you do not study, you cannot go out to play. Or, if you
practice hard enough, you will have a much better chance at making the team.
Whenever it is possible, have the consequences be directly related to your child’s
actions. If you allow your teen to use the car, and he brings it back in good
shape and on time, you can be lavish with your praise. If the car is a mess
when you get it back, your child may have to wash and vacuum out the car. If he
comes home late, use of the car may be suspended for however long you deem
is necessary. This will teach him that his choices have consequences that are
directly related to his behavior.
Proverbs
29:17 says, “Correct your son, and he will give
you rest; yes, he will give delight to your soul.”
At
times, parenting may feel like a mystery. Solving this mystery lies in
responding to resistance, giving help, respecting each other, supervising
activities, and setting and enforcing limits. You must have a plan and then
throw all you have into following that plan … making sure the consequences for
the child’s behavior are in place.
I once
knew a couple that was having a real problem with their 13-year-old son.
He was flunking in school, fighting with his teachers, sassing his parents, and
fighting with kids in the neighborhood.
His
parents tried everything. First, they ignored him. Then they praised him. Then
they rewarded him. Then they reasoned with him, lectured him, and withheld
privileges. Then they took his bike away, made him stay in the house, and
eventually even spanked him (a 13-year-old!).
Nothing
seemed to work. The parents kept after the boy–while they constantly showed
real love and concern for the boy himself. They also prayed for patience and
grace. This went on for six months and nothing seemed to change. Then, just as
mysteriously as the behavior had begun, the boy began to change for the better.
In the
past, the boy had been condemned and corrected by teachers, neighbors, and
Sunday school teachers. Two years later, the same boy was a top student, on the
soccer team, and praised and admired by his teachers, coaches, classmates, and
neighbors.
This is
a perfect picture of a dedicated, committed set of parents seeking to train a
child in the way he should go. They realized it was 20-year process. Their
concern was the process, not the immediate decisions and appearances of the
moment. They had to relax, trust God, and act by faith.
Often
when parents talk about their children who are in trouble, I ask them what they
think they should have done differently. In nearly every case, if the parents
had done what they thought they should have done, they would have done what I
would have recommended.
Many
parents do not have confidence in their own abilities. Rather than being paralyzed
by fear and insecurity, they need to look to God’s Word as the sources and
inspiration for their parenting. Then they need to trust their own instincts as
they proceed with confident expectation of good results.
Remember,
the primary goal is to train the children up in the way they should go. You
have 20 years to mellow and mature. Pray that you will live your life in
such a way that your children will grow up wanting to serve the GOD you serve.
Parenthood requires an acceptance of the task, the desire to understand it, and
the willingness to be as diligent in preparation and performance as the most
accomplished artist, business person, or professional person.
Conflicts
and problems will arise, but these can lead you to ever-higher levels of
accomplishment as God demonstrates His power through the adversity. To identify
problems and solve them is to find success. To cover them up or pretend they
are not there is to experience defeat. Each parent must be ready and willing to
fulfill his or her responsibility in any decision or task.
Guiding
children implies a purpose and a goal. You need to know where you are going.
You need to assume responsibility for influencing your children. Your influence
for good, or for ill, will probably have more effect on the lives of your
children than anything else they will encounter. You must work hard to make
learning wholesome and effective for your children.
When
you center your life and your household in God, you can have fun together as a
family as your children grow up in the Lord Jesus Christ. Cherish your children
and help them grow to be all God created them to be!
